I’ve to admit that lately I’ve become afraid of looking old and uncool. I recently cut my hair really short too and am worried that now I look so clearly like a mom – because ‘mom hair‘.
I mean, personally, I think long hair is overrated. But women want it, men want it (on women), and who am I to fight the general consensus of what’s considered attractive and desirable?
Ever since I gave birth, I’m afraid people don’t think, “Oh my, so young, so unconventional, but has a baby. Now that I wouldn’t have expected!” Rather,… nothing. That they think nothing. Because I’m exactly that age and that type, and I look it, and of course I have a baby. That people don’t even look at me any more. That I’ve turnt invisible.
Don’t get me wrong! I was never the type who attracted a lot of male attention, nor did I ever want to be. But invisible, I rarely was. Not in Germany. Not as an Asian. Not as someone who dresses outside the norm. In Munich, people stared. In Berlin, they don’t, but I think they still notice. And I always, always, aimed at defying expectations! Be the girl who also plays video games (when I was younger), be into fashion yet hangs with the super nerds, be petite and pretty yet pogos along at the punk club…
Now that I tick all the correct, age- and class-appropriate boxes and probably look it, I don’t feel so proud any more. I feel so average.
Yes, that’s me, the ever image-conscious female. Appearances to me are everything. I understand I sound vain, that I am vain, I understand other people’s opinions don’t even matter, I understand that I shouldn’t compare myself. Yet, here I am.
(At least I quit Facebook and Instagram. Just imagine how much worse I’d feel if I was still on there observing others being young and bold and free and attractive.)
It’s not even that I don’t like myself, or the things that I am, that I have. I enjoy being over 30, the relieved pressure of it, I love my husband, I love being married to him, I love and adore my little baby. Compared to myself at 17, 20, 23, 26, I am so much more happy, grounded and confident overall. I’ve come to terms with my past and our probable future, I deeply appreciate how incredibly lucky I’ve been all my life…
So other people’s view of me really don’t matter. Writing this text has helped me remember that now. And that there’s absolutely no shame in being a mom, on the contrary! I think it’s the most commendable job you can do. It’s hard, man. Everything from start to end. So I certainly don’t want to be that a**hole who discredits motherhood, equaling it with only negative notions of what women shouldn’t be nowadays, because there is nothing a woman has to be in the first place. She can be herself and she’ll be perfect. Just like I’ll continue being myself and be proud of it!
Yes, I will!
I will wear pajamas everywhere and have short hair, take shortcuts with my make up, maybe even wear no make up at all, and carry my baby in a carrier in front of me, and breastfeed him in public – and I will do all of that proudly and comfortably.
Thanks for reading.